Adjust the volume....

Life has it's ups and downs.  And lately it's been one hell of a roller coaster ride.  I don't normally like to talk about my life or the things that go on in it; I am, generally, a very private person.  I like it like that.  I have very few people in this life that I call true friends. You know the type that you can turn to for anything.  And one person that I love dearly, but keep at arms length, my mom.

I love my mom with all of my heart, but I fear her just as much.  I fear her love.  She has a way about her that overwhelms the senses.  She is this amazing person, who's image I can never live up to. I keep her at distance in hopes that my flawed image will be blurred and all she will be able to see is the softness around the edges.  I have spent my life riding on her coat tails, and hiding in her shadow.  I know she loves me, but until recently I did not know just how much.  And I hope she knows that I love her, even though I rarely show just how much.

My mom was recently diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and under went surgery on Friday to have her thyroid removed.  And while thyroid cancer is curable and she did just fine in surgery, I am a complete baby and have cried so much for her recently.  When she was my age she lost her father.  And I remember waking to hear the phone call the morning she found out.  And just as ingrained as that memory is in my brain so will be the memory of the phone call I got the day she told me about her situation. 

Surgery went fine, and I saw her on Sunday; and to be quite honest she looked absolutely radiant.  She was beautiful and glowing as she hosted a tea for twenty six women.  She really is an amazing woman.

I have thought about her everyday since finding out about this.  And since quitting my part time job, I have had a lot of time to think about this and many other things.  I have kept myself so busy for the last few years to avoid just this scenario: having time on my hands to let my mind wander, run away and get the best of me.  But to be honest, I feel that it's time to let the emotions of life back in. 

I moved in to a new house in December, and while it's new to my kids, it's not new to me.  The house was built by my late grandfather when I was about 4 or 5 years of age.  I remember many Thanksgiving dinners, and Christmas's here.  I remember growing up just over the hill. I remember what this town was like as a kid.  How it was a bit of seclusion in the midst of a major city growing up around it.  Large lots, small town feel, everyone knew everyone else and their business.  You knew your neighbors and you watched them age as they watched you grow. 

And now moving back "home" everything has changed and stayed the same all along.  New houses have been built on empty lots and old houses torn down to make way for new ones.  New businesses have moved in, while old ones close their doors.  The city built up around us, and continues to do so, but this city has not grown up, it's only aged.  It's decrepit and weak, and frail. It's the same city I remember as kid, only as a kid, I was not smart enough to realize that the town was never gonna grow up. 

But as I sit and think about the memories in this house, on this lot, memories of the house over the hill, and my mom and dad, memories of my sister and brother, and memories of growing up, I find myself wishing for simpler days.  Days when life was not so complicated and my biggest worry was where my '65 mustang and I were gonna wind up that day. 

I long for days of when I was able to just jump in the car and drive until everything made sense. Let the scenery along the way flood my mind and push out the problems while the fresh air enveloped my mood. Days have been as rainy as my mood lately, and I am so tempted to just jump in my car and take the kids on a drive from my past and let them experience what I got to so many years ago. But it will have to wait until this summer when the entire family is getting together to celebrate ten birthdays and my parent's 40th wedding anniversary. 

No art today, just venting and music.  I hope you enjoy the music and it did not catch you off guard too much. These songs remind me of my mom, and my family and growing up in simpler days.   

Comments

[Sharon]

Very personal, but very well written Dusty. I enjoyed, very much, reading this. I'm glad your mom is doing well.
Family relationships are...interesting, at the very least!

[Pam]

I agree with Sharon, very well written Dusty. Please know that whatever you may be going through there are an awful lot of us out here who know that you are an AMAZING, caring person with such talent. Hang in there!
Hugs,
Pam

[Dee Jackson]

This is my first time seeing your blog! The story drew me in:) I'm sorry for the pain and the path you have had to go through to get there!! I think if we could all write like you, we would have stories to share.:) I hope sharing yours and your families has helped in some way. I wish you peace and joy:) Continue to share your wonderful works of art! Blessings to you and your mom.
Dee

[dragonflydreamer]

I gave myself permission to spend a few hours browsing some of the blogs that I have bookmarked over the past almost two years. I love the floral background, it is gorgeous. That said, I really felt connected and drawn in by this pouring out of your thoughts and feelings. I also find your style of writing to be very good. I can relate to many of the things you shared. I am glad your Mother is doing well and I will say a prayer for her and your family. My Mother and I have a complicated relationship and she is dealing with an eventual terminal illness and I have come to live with her to help her. I have found that so many women struggle with their relationship with their Mothers regardless of how much they love each other. I wish you peace and blessings.

[Donna B]

I wonder how you're doing and of course your mom (after coming to your blog from the creative cuts & more website. such a heartfelt post. I will say a prayer for you; I lost my dad at age 9 to a heart attack and my mom at 25 to Lung Cancer, the loss of a parent is so hard and my heart aches for you. You look like a sweet person - I hope you're doing all right.

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